Public Speaking

Anxiety and I are familiar friends. Not necessarily public speaking anxiety, but anxiety in general. There are points where fear grips me so tightly that I am unsure if it will ever let go; if I will ever be able to function properly again. I used to back myself into a corner, hyperventilating and nauseous, before dissolving into a full blown panic attack that usually ended with me sitting on the floor. Despite this dissolution of my sanity, I would not have considered this a problem. I did not look at it that way. Those that are anxious do not necessarily see the problem until it is over. The way this article is written offends me, actually. It is not what is written that I have a problem with, it is the tone that irritates me.

I am not saying that people with public speaking anxiety should not seek out help. However, it is not a huge catastrophe. It is perfectly possible to get along in life without ever having to do a public speech. Even for a 'leader'. I think that people that have something to say, will say it. If they have true belief and confidence in what they're saying, there is no fear to speak out. If a 'leader' had to give a speech, I would be under the impression that, since they should be fully confident in the subject of the speech, there should be no more than the butterflies of nervousness. But not full blown anxiety.

I view anxiety as a condition fueled by society. If people stopped bullying other people, stopped being condescending, stopped doing all these negative things to their peers, then maybe there would be one more wonderful contribution being made. What on earth do we have to be anxious about when we speak? I used to be terrified of speaking in class if I was unsure about the topic; the supreme point when speaking up should have happened. The thoughts were unusual and I usually scolded myself afterwards for thinking them: "I'm going to sound dumb." "I don't really understand this, maybe if I listen longer, I'll get it." "My question isn't that important." "Somebody probably already asked this when I wasn't listening." "Nobody wants to hear my speak."

I know full well why I think these things. My public speaking anxiety is different from my regular anxiety, and a little strange. I started out never having a problem with talking out, even now I'll do it. I'll force myself to speak because when I have something to say, I will make sure I am heard. You can't change anything by sitting still and being quiet, after all. It was when kids started getting mad for my questions. Sometimes they would be stupid, sometimes legitimate. But when I was the only one throughout grade school that cared about understanding what was going on in class, when I was the one that drew out class conversations and made their 'pain' last longer, being in class with me was ... an experience. In my high school (and some of middle school), nobody would speak out. Everybody just wanted the class to be over as soon as possible (which makes me wonder why they bothered to go at all), so the fact that I was in that class and wanted to know more, angered everyone. "She asks all those questions." "The teacher expects more from us because of her." "Here she goes again." "Come on! I just want to move on."

It was during high school that I started realizing people really disliked me. I made them look bad. So I started being quiet, and asking smaller questions, or nothing at all. I stopped talking. I didn't have the confidence to not care what all my peers thought. It wasn't that simple. This lasted for awhile, until I started realizing I didn't understand what was going on in class anymore. And that wasn't okay. The public speaking anxiety that had happened upon me was affecting my schoolwork. So I stopped caring. After all, I was a big time actress in high school and I never ever got stage fright. I could project my voice as loudly as anyone else, and I never forgot my lines. The more involved I got with the drama club later in high school, the more I spoke up again.

Bringing time management into play is a little more difficult though. Though, once you realize that you spend more time worrying than doing, you have power to control it. If you fill up your day properly and in an organized manner, you wouldn't have time to worry. You would simply have to get it done. You wouldn't have time to sit around and fiddle with yourself about speaking up. If you didn't, you wouldn't get another chance. It would pass you by without a second glance. Time management becomes important to continue functioning; to make yourself do things. Put yourself on a schedule and understand that it is stuff that has to be done, and watch as you make it happen. That's how it works. Everything is written down for you, all the things you need to do. You will have more to maintain than your mind will have to divert for anxiety; reducing it.

And in the end... I learned that it isn't important what people think. Learn what you need to learn. Do what you need to do. Be who you want to be. You never truly know what other people are thinking. How could you know if they are honestly fed up with what you say, ask, or do? There is a quote I found recently that sums it up wonderfully: "That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying."